Threat Level: Midnight

Florissant, MO (KSDK) -- No more monkey business.


Florissant police say the original report of a baboon being spotted in a back yard in Florissant has been dismissed as a hoax.


Florissant Detectives spent the better part of the day investigating the incident.

Police said a 14-year-old juvenile has admitted that the picture she reported to have taken of the baboon in her backyard was actually taken from an animal website.

It will be up to the St. Louis County Family Court to decide what happens to the girl.
The hoax consumed a large amount of time and manpower Thursday afternoon as police feared a potentially dangerous primate was roaming the streets of Florissant.


St. Louis Zoo officials responded to share their baboon expertise with authorities.


Diana Gulotta with Hazelwood Schools said students at Jana Elementary School in Florissant were denied their outdoor activities as a security precaution in case the baboon got onto school property.



So it was all a hoax! Who knew? Well I guess we can all just go back to our work and let our little ones out to play and leave our volleyballs just lying around without a care. And be prepared to watch your world crumble.

Have you people learned nothing from films and cartoons? The ‘hoax’ claim only makes things more harrowing! This baboon is smarter than we thought—if he or she is indeed a baboon at all—and he or she is obviously not working alone. It has someone at the news station, of that we can be sure. He has the Windsor moppet (I was on to her from the beginning, if you’ll remember). Does he have an inside guy with the force? Probably, and I’m sure he has rally monkeys at the zoo who have infiltrated the zookeepers. This is bad people.

I think it best if we all abide by some simple rules until we have this beast contained:

1) Be alert. Stay indoors when possible and beware of walking near trees or recreational facilities.

2) Stay armed. I am carrying a few spare bananas to ensure my ability to lure and then throw so the monkey might leave me to escape. Also, I have a .45 in my pocket.

3) Never trust a monkey. They will seduce you in with their monkey play and then its feces throwing and tickle fighting.

4) Teach your children basic monkey safety and preparedness. I’m not saying you should build a bomb shelter or anything crazy but I don’t think a community monkey siren would be taking things too far.

5) Take the news with a grain of salt. On Fox News last night I saw a report that a democrat ate three live republicans. On TMZ it appears Michael Jackson isn’t dead but actually living in a cabin with the old dancing Six Flags man (they share tuxedos). CNN is reporting stuff about Global Warming. News is sensational these days so don’t believe all you’re told. Remember, that is what the baboon wants.


As I hunt for the culprit and the truth I will keep you posted. Do not for a blink think this thing resolved. We seem to be very much on our own on this one as the government has yet to return any of my calls . . . it is like Katrina Relief all over again.