A Serious Situation. Please Be Wary.

From KSDK News comes this:

“Florissant, Mo (KSDK) -- Florissant police are searching for what appears to be a baboon on the loose.


Sgt. Kevin Boscher said the department received more than one report of a loose baboon near Patterson and Moulet on Thursday morning.


Florissant officers are in the area and the St. Louis Zoo officials are assisting.


A woman named Samantha Windsor took a picture of the baboon with her cell phone. The primate's face is dark blue and black.


Windsor said she was awoken this morning by her barking dog. When she looked out into her yard, she saw the baboon standing under a small tree in her yard.


Windsor decided to take a picture with her cell phone. The phone says "smile" when you snap a picture. The baboon became agitated by that command and ran off to play with a volleyball.


Diana Gulotta with Hazelwood Schools said Jana Elementary School in Florissant is not doing any outdoor activities after they received a call from the Florissant Police Department about the search for a "monkey." They are considering exercising caution at other schools as well.


Gulotta said they are keeping close contact with officials so they know what they need to do to keep the kids safe.”

Can we please go over some of the ways in which this is one of the most stirring and captivating reports of 2010. Features like this—and yes, I could certainly see a battle for film rights ensuing—don’t come about often. The raw battle of Man vs. Beast scarcely comes so vividly to our attention and reminds us that it is a dangerous world with the ferocious lurking.

Let’s go over what we know as the stand-off unfurls, so as to be prepared and possibly assist in bringing this dire situation to a somewhat peaceable—if that is even possible—close.

First, the monster in question “appears to be a baboon”. So don’t go out there a pocket full of bananas set on catching a monkey, folks. This could be a shaggy, upright dog, or an especially masculine man of smallish variety. It would be, at this point, like telling someone there was a rat in the kitchen and them sauntering in and finding a grizzly bear waiting. Okay so it is not really like that at all, but really it is even though it isn’t . . . it just is, okay? My point is don’t expect a monkey, it could be anything at this point. Anything.

Also, remember that the otherworldly creature is ‘loose’. No strings attached here, both figuratively and literally. This thing could do anything: no parents, no leash, no cage, just one very free baboon-looking entity capable of everything evil baboon-looking entities with complete freedom are known for, a list we will go over in brief (not briefs, let’s be professional people).

Notice that both police—very good with monkeys of all sorts—and local zookeepers are on the hunt. Does this mean the ‘baboon’ is from the zoo? Have you ever read any Conan Doyle? Maybe the zookeepers are there to tranquilize over-excited law officials, amped on adrenaline from dealing with this ‘thing’? Maybe they aren’t there at all? Maybe this is a diversion a cover-up of sorts . . . is there anything to distract from in the city aside from the Cardinals poor play? At this point it is all elementary but elementarily unclear.

Next, who is this "Samantha Windsor" and why did she have first contact.  Is she in cahoots with our convict? Sounds fishy to me, but alas there are bigger monkeys to fry here . . . at least one we know of for sure.

Ms. or Mr. (let's assume nothing here . . . I'm sure there are many males named Samantha about.  It's like when that kid got in a wreck and his mom was the surgeon, remember that.  Everyone always thinks it's his dad.  We cannot afford to repeat the same mistakes, people!) Windsor then fired off a picture revealing a black and blue face. Does this suggest a violent monkey? Perhaps, a monkey boxer? I think it is safe, smart even, to assume we have a fighting primate wandering our schools and backyards.

The monkey was a morning monkey. He was also in the shade which tells me he does not like the heat. He is no tropical baboon, but more of cold weather dweller, perhaps a polar monkey. Also, notice he was not in the tree, even a small, easy-to-climb variety, but on the ground. He is unpredictable and thus all the more dangerous. Had the Windsor fellow not scurried up and fought the monkey back via phone camera I am 99% certain he was preparing to eat her dog (which had a bark strong enough to wake her from a sound sleep and thus had to have been a huge dog, a huskey or bigger; to take on a dog like that indicates great strength and greater fearlessness). This monkey’s business is beyond monkey business.

What sort of a monkey becomes agitated at the command of ‘smile’? I’ve seen enough post cards of grinning chimpanzees to know monkeys love to smile. So this is either no monkey at all (as suspected by the police) or a very cranky one, like Donkey Kong.

In his fierce agitation our subject stormed off in a rage to play some volleyball. Oh, this is the worst. I know when I am in my most murderous of fits, nothing assuages the feeling more than a tidy bump, set, spike. This is worse than any of us thought.

The search is on indeed and hopefully the children will remained locked down. The only thing monkey at recess should be the bars, not a dog-eating, volleyball-playing, boxing beast. Think if this guy got to dominating recess volleyball and then bored wreaked havoc on the four-score boxes: self-esteems could bottom out.  My thoughts are with those bravely standing firm in those schools.  Begin the count, Day 1.

I’ll keep you posted but keep a look out while in the shade, near trees or dogs, or in the general proximity of volleyball or net.

Godspeed in the hunt.