I just want to take a moment on this Sunday evening to remind everyone that the election is just nine days away. Please be sure not to vote. That is right, I said it. Don’t vote. If you must go to your polling place to fulfill some sad urge to belong, please only use your visit to spread your apathy around. And then when Wednesday rolls around and Obama or McCain is seen on the front page take heart in knowing you had nothing to do with any of it. Wear your “I didn’t Vote” t-shirt more proudly than those flaunting their pretentious oval “I Voted” stickers. When Barrack supporters are high-fiving in the hallways of your school or workplace, join in the fun: “Yeah, all right. You all did it! You did!” Likewise, should J-MAC slip into the oval office, celebrate it with those around you: “Way to go guys! Good vote everyone, nice work.”
And then should everything unravel, either way, you can always voice your dismay: “I DID NOT vote for that guy . . . yikes.”
Now I know the majority of the three people who read this will be upset. They will say I am un-American, an idiot. But you have to question this whole voting rage. Veterans and hippies are all begging me to vote: conservatives and liberals, abortion doctors and Baptist ministers, blacks and whites . . . something is going on here. The only other time this much of our nation has agreed on anything is the recent concordance that Rosie O’Donnell is crazy—just plain nuts.
Which brings us to celebrities. From Bruce Springsteen to Beyonce, every publicist in America has his or her client spouting political ideology. The foreign ones, too. At the close of SNL last night, Coldplay frontman, Chris Martin, finished “Yellow” and chanted “Barrack Obama” into the microphone. Sir, you are from Britain—what’s your game?
I don’t trust all this agreement. I feel like I have stumbled into a Care Bears movie, the part where they are still zipping down cloud slides and singing in Care-A-Lot. It is all wonderful and, of course, a song ensues about how happy all of us bears are and how well we get along. Amidst all of this intoxicating joy a bear hunter in a black suit, with an “I voted” sticker over the right breast, shows up and opens fire. All you colorful bears will be gone, leaving only me, hiding behind a cloud sculpture of Mao Zedong, the bear hunter and Chris Martin. And we will rule, cutting taxes for people we like the best, fighting only the good and noble wars (as deemed by movie directors we like the best), and making sure that no nation under our direction will ever wholly agree on anything. You are all welcome in joining me in hiding, and then when the time is right we will re-emerge en masse. All I ask in return for this heads-up is that once we do come out that you will promise me your vote. The bear guy doesn’t scare me too much, but early polls show that Chris Martin has a lot of supporters.
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